Pondering Adventure

The Tenth Commandment is a difficult one for me lately.  "Thou shalt not covet."  We are commanded not to covet anything belonging to our neighbor.  Does this include their experiences?  Their adventures?  Of course it does!  Gulp.

Every time I log onto Facebook or Instagram, my really cool, wanderlust (like me), totally adventurous friends have posted breathtaking photos that I simply can't help but drool over or daydream about, photos which make me get lost in my own desire for similar experiences.  Wide-eyed and wild since childhood, I firmly believe in the notion that we should make each and every second count.  When I am forced to sit still, I often daydream about a place in the world I want to see, a hand I want to hold while praying, a story that I will tell when I return ...

But when my head returns from the fancy forms of clouds, I realize that I am a mom, a wife, a woman with a career, and therefore, a person who cannot live by the whimsical principle, "The mountains are calling and I must go." (John Muir)  As much as I'm tempted to think that I should live that way, I have a blessed duty right where I am, and the only person who can hinder my adventures is me.  Likewise, I would never want an adventure that God did not put in front of me, blessing my will to go.  When He calls me, I will go, representing Him wherever those travels take me.  For now, my adventures are in and around my ever-loving heart as I learn to be more like Jesus.

My adventures may not currently include transcontinental bike rides (Go, Alyssa and Pat!!!) or exotic travel to various locations (Elicia and Tom, you rock!  I love your inspiring blog!) or mountain views all around (Adam, your life is beautiful.), but the adventures I do get to have all include great love.  I am convinced that love is the greatest adventure of all, and it doesn't matter where you are or where you go while you're discovering it.  That's the beautiful thing: love is the one true adventure that never ceases.  Even better, it never leaves you dissatisfied, and it invites more ambition.

Mother Teresa had a profound thought, which is now a famous quote: "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."  The world will tell me that what I'm doing isn't grand; it wouldn't make the cut for any verbose magazine with pretty pictures, isn't necessarily interesting enough for thousands of blog followers, and I definitely don't travel the world and encounter new cultures on a regular basis.  By looking around, I might feel that each of my days is humdrum, another drop in the bucket, a meaningless series of mindless tasks.  The world might even tell me that I am being brainwashed by it (the world),  and the only cure is to expand my mind by expanding my experiences.  The world might whisper to me that I'm not doing enough, not thinking deeply enough, not being intriguing enough...

However, the adventures of my heart are as abundant and stalwart as my very heartbeats.  I have a plethora of moments to choose from each day in which I can take bold steps, and the opportunity to learn selfless acts is one that never wanes.  Being a wife, a mom, and a teacher are all grand callings that I could never trade in, even for the most awe-inspiring view this earth has to offer.  Instead of coveting others' adventures, I must remember that God has different adventures planned for each of us. I trust in Him for all things.

I look out my bedroom window and I see woods, I hear birds, and I look at my little garden.  I wake my son each morning and see his sweet little eyes focus in on me when I say, "Good morning."  I hear the many movements of my husband and stepsons as they enjoy their various activities.  I have the attention of 7th grade students for my entire work day.  I get to run and talk about important things with youth of various ages for two seasons of the year.  I get to discuss the Bible with teen girls on Fridays, and will soon be starting a faith-based youth gathering.  Do I lack adventure?  No.  My life breathes it.  To God be the glory.

I've gained so much ______________ !

Freedom from eating disorders is nothing short of gaining the ability to fly.

The haunting thing about eating disorder recovery is that, for so long, my identity was wrapped up in the eating disorder, and so I lost sight of who I was without it.  I thought that controlling my eating was a sign of my strength, the perfect way I can do anything I put my mind to.  And so, during and after recovery, I was frightened by my "loss of control."  I was haunted with the thoughts, "You no longer do this well."  The enemy tricked me by telling me what a failure I was for giving up E.D.  Demons constantly swirled around me, asking me who I would be with that part of my identity gone.  I was also constantly reminded of my physical weight gain.

But, when I prayed, when I fellowshipped, when I felt unchained while playing with my sweet son, I knew what I truly gained.  I just had to hold onto it.

Dear friends, I have a confession: There are some of you whom I've been avoiding because I didn't want you to see me now.  It's true -- I've gained probably 30+ pounds since some of you have seen me last.  And I've been afraid that that's all you would see, and perhaps it would be something you would talk about later.  I wanted to spare myself the shame.  Looking at me physically, that might be all you see, besides my much more genuine smile (eating disorders stole my laughter!).  Some of you didn't know I was struggling with eating when we were friends, and so I have always been ashamed that one might assume I just "put on weight" and that's all.

But you know what?  I'm so sick of being afraid.  Yes, I've gained weight.  But if everyone only knew what else I have gained!

I'm here to proudly proclaim that I have gained SO MUCH!  All that I have gained is from my Savior.  Everything I have gained, the enemy tried to keep from me.  But praise be to God for showing me a life that I didn't know I could ever have ... to Him be all glory and all honor.

Through my freedom of eating disorders, I have gained:

- Wisdom and insight (the Holy Spirit is alive and awesome!)
- Marriage (!)
- Moments with my son that eating disorders wouldn't allow
- True, unabated laughter
- The ability to empathize with the pain of others
- A deeper relationship with my entire family
- A sphere of influence through teaching and coaching
- The ability to share my testimony
- Anxiety-free meals
- More love than my heart can often contain
- Ambition to selflessly help others
- A song in my heart that never stops
- Conversations with other Daughters that changed my life
- Friendships that are deeper, stronger, and eternal
- A longer life
- An appreciation for God's creation in nature
- Strong MUSCLES!  ;)
- Thoughts and pondering that have nothing to do with food (thank you, Jesus!)
- Most importantly, an understanding of how great our God is, and how He loves us and never gives up on helping His children.  He sends signs and wonders, songs and stars, all for us.

So there you have it... I have gained more than weight.  Hallelujah!

What will you gain when you let God take over your area of struggle?  The scariest thing is that until you let go, you have NO IDEA what God will do with your life.  I promise you, it is greater than anything you can hope for.  Even the scariest part of giving up control becomes nothing when you see how the Lord starts using your struggle in a mighty way, to free you and to reveal His glory.

I pray for freedom in your area of struggle today.  Do not be afraid.  He will make your life more wonderful than you ever imagined.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

A Sick Woman

I have been a sick woman ... but as I type this, I feel the Lord healing me from my sickness.  I've wept this morning as I've reached to heaven with humility asking, "Jesus, please help me!"

Many Christians do not like to be vulnerable with one another.  We are afraid of judgment, disapproval, or careless whispers behind our backs.  We are afraid that we will disqualify ourselves of our "Christian walk" in others' eyes.  We might even be afraid that someone will condescendingly say, "I will pray for you" with empty intentions.

I know.  I've been there.  I still feel this way sometimes.  But you know what's beautiful?  You!  Know what else is beautiful?  There are many Christians who are encouraged so much by vulnerability that their relationship with Jesus is strengthened because they can see the work He does as we open up and talk about our struggles and our triumphs.  We are brothers and sisters, living in the same fallen world, fighting against the same darkness.  We should not be ashamed to confess that we battle against the powers of evil.  Battles are bloody, and battles leave you fatigued... we should not expect anything else (except victory - Jesus already won the war for us).

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

James 5:16

It goes without saying that we will need to ask the Lord for help; we will need the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the power of God.

I want to share a story with you from the book of Mark about a sick woman's encounter with Jesus.  Please do not brush over this, or skim briefly with your eyes.  Read this with your heart.

A large crowd followed and pressed around him [Jesus].  And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.  She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all that she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed."  Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him.  He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?'"

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it.  Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.  He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Mark 5:24b-34

Oh, to be that woman!  To see the face of Jesus and feel His healing from a long-suffered condition!  Can you imagine how humbling, how tear-evoking lovely, how heaven-touching-earth marvelous this must have been?!  I feel her heart thumping wildly inside my own chest, tears streaming down my own face, awe stirring my own spirit.  She was certainly blessed for her faith that day.

But wait ----- we, too, are that woman.  We are daughters and sons of the Living God, and when we put our faith in Him, His power will heal anything that ails us.

This woman bled ... but let me ask you, How are you bleeding?  What is it that ails you today, sweet child of God?  

I will confess that I struggle with anxiety.  I get tight-chested, short-breathed, heart arrhythmia anxiety sometimes because I worry too much!  This certainly took over when I had eating disorders, but general anxiety lingers.  Sometimes I fail to function normally and energetically.  I have known to mercilessly "beat" myself up for small things: forgetting to take the garbage out, not getting laundry done, messing up a lesson plan, not writing in my blog for too long... (!)  It's time to be done.  That's enough.  I want to let Jesus have the power, not the enemy.  In fact, Jesus even tells us not to worry: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Luke 12:25)

I've learned that anxiety can be genetic.  I have a line of anxiety on my dad's side of the family that undoubtedly crept its way into my DNA.  However, Jesus trumps even DNA.  I must trust in Him.

Be like the woman who put her full, heart-felt faith in Jesus' healing power.  You can be healed.  Do you believe that?  Whatever it is that you struggle with, He hears your cries every. single. time.  Stop trying to take the power in your own hands, stop letting satan take the power, and allow the One with all the power to show you His mighty ways.  

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:6-7 

Transform

All in one swift, heart-pounding millisecond, my life was transformed.  I had glanced at the results of my test.  The fear that ensued was suffocating, the dreams I once had haunted every waking second, the questions battered the inside of my skull abusively.  Pregnant.  18 years old and pregnant.  A self-proclaimed Christian girl, unwed and pregnant.  I was showered in shame, clothed in consternation, and subjected to highest level of self-doubt I had ever experienced.

Pregnant.  What now?  God, what do I do now?  Am I even worthy of talking to You?  I have disobeyed you, and now look at me.  My family will be so disappointed.  My church ... how can I go there?  I can't even face myself.  Are you upset with me, Lord?  Can I call on You to help me, even after all that I've done?

Finding out I was pregnant less than a month after graduating high school was one of the most devastating moments for me (at the time).  I was bound for my freshman year at University of Wisconsin-Madison.  I had high hopes and dreams for myself, and for all the hopes I had for my life, my parents had even more.  How could I tell them I was pregnant?  How could I make it more real by telling people out loud?

Fast forward a couple of months, after all the agony and surprise of telling people the news, and I began to realize something grand was happening in my heart.  My thoughts stopped focusing so much on myself, and I started to pray more, giving my situation over to Jesus.  I started loving this little being that was developing inside of my young womb instead of fearing him or resenting him.  Love took on a new meaning.  It was everything I could have never imagined at 18 years old; it was selfless and pure and something that I can only explain as God's Love.  For the first time, I fantasized about cuddling a sweet little person that I would love with abandon.  During my sleepless nights in the dorm at UW-Madison, I started writing this baby notes in my journal, notes about the kind of mommy I promised to be and the kind of relationship I wanted him to have with Jesus.  I transformed dramatically, even before I met my sweet son.

Once my son was born, nothing was ever the same again.  My soul grew wiser, truer, and deeper.  All I needed was one glance at him, and my purpose was redefined.  I no longer cared about all of my old dreams; Julien was my new dream, all wrapped up and tiny in my arms.  And I knew that I would never walk a day without Jesus again, because it was only with Him that I could do anything right in this fragile situation.

Julien is now eight years old, and I look back over those eight years with hot, gushing, joyful tears.  I think of all the times he has called me "Mom." There is no greater joy in my heart than what is packed behind that word: Mom.  I love saying prayers with him each night at bedtime.  Once he's asleep, I sneak watchful minutes that are billowy with love; I trace the curve of his eyelids once more, pondering the miracle of his eyelashes that have joined hands while he slumbers. And after these moments, while I drift off to my own dreamland each night, I often see his green eyes glinting in the sunlight and mischievous grin as he takes off on his bike with his blond hair peeking from beneath his helmet.  I hear his giggle, and the charismatic way he tells his stories, leaving out not-a-single-detail!  I pray for his life, that it will be long and full of many more great stories to tell.  Most importantly, I pray that my son will be a Warrior for God's kingdom.

I can't believe the thought of my son used to evoke fear and anxiety because of the change that motherhood would bring.  What I know now is that the greatest blessing has come from something unexpected, something that would require more than what I had within myself.  This blessing resulted in a grand transformation.

Faith transforms us, just like parenthood transforms us.  If we are living "faith" correctly, just like if we are being good parents, we are allowing ourselves to be transformed so that we carry out the greatest Love to those around us.

We must daily ask ourselves: Is my faith in Jesus transforming my life?  

If it isn't, we must reevaluate everything.  Everything.

People love the side of Jesus that commands humility, love, and acceptance.  Even my non-Christian friends will say they love Jesus' principles.  But Jesus wasn't about principles; he was about radical change.  Radical.  Change.  If we aren't living differently from the world, loving our enemies (I know this one is difficult...oh-so-difficult), praying in earnest each day for more revelation, helping those less fortunate, and overall treating every deed as if it is for Jesus, then...well...we're missing out, and we are not being disciples.  Jesus didn't die for me so that I could freely forsake everything He taught.  Heaven reached earth when Jesus walked here, and I believe that when that crazy-awesome miracle happened, we should pay attention not only to believe, but to follow.

Believing in Jesus is easy; the Bible tells us that even the demons believe (and they shudder).  My pastor often says, "Jesus didn't go up to the disciples and say, 'Believe in me.'  He said, 'Follow me.'"  We all know what following means, so I will skip the vain illustration of follow-the-leader or fashion trends in pop culture.  Following involves action, and to do it well, it requires heart and deliberate concentration.

In Matthew 16:24, Jesus said we must deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily, and follow Him.  The very first part of this - denying ourselves - is so counterculture and counterintuitive that we may just have to check and re-check our pride at the door on a minute-to-minute basis!  Jesus said we will be blessed for our humility (Matthew 5:5), and I trust in His word that we will be someday.

But it's not just denying ourselves, it's about our willingness to suffer and endure trials and hardships.  It's about laying down our lives so not to forfeit our souls (Matthew 16:25).  It's about saying "no" to the world, and delighting in our service to the King.  It's about treating others with Great Love, whether or not you think they deserve it.

A good measure of your transformational faith is how you treat other people, both to their faces and behind their backs.  I see too many Christians (and I have been "that" Christian myself) who say they love Jesus, and then they treat others with grave disrespect, either to their faces or behind their backs.  They take joy and pride in the slander of their co-workers, friends, or acquaintances.  No matter how difficult it is, we must love one another.  We must love one another enough to stay out of the gossip, believe in their beauty (even if it's latent), forgive them in our hearts when we're wronged, and treat them with respect.  James points out this hypocrisy: "With the  tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  Brothers and sisters, this should not be."

Jesus also says, "...love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you..."  So, yes, we have to love our enemies, too.

Trust me.  We will need to ask the Holy Spirit for help in this.  It's okay to humble yourself and ask for help.  Love is His deal.  It's what God does.  We love because He first loved us.  :)

Jesus is a rebel of sorts; He takes everything the world says we should do and tells us to do the opposite.  He loves whom the world deems unlovable, shushes the self-righteous, and breaks all of the "rules" of our day and age.  When the world tells us, "Every man for himself," Jesus tells us to "love your neighbor as yourself."  When the world tells us we are allowed to hold grudges, Jesus tells us to be merciful.  When television, radio, advertisements, and movies tell us to use our bodies for pleasure, to gossip about our neighbor, to gain the most wealth and things we can, Jesus tells us to be pure in heart.  He tells us these things out of wisdom and out of love.

I challenge you to open up to the New Testament and read the words of Jesus.  Hang on His every word, for He imparts only heavenly wisdom.  Think about these things every day.  "Write them on the tablet of your heart."

Just like I want to be a better mommy every single second of every single day, I also want to become a true FOLLOWER of Jesus.  I don't want to live this life only believing; being lukewarm is not an option.  I want to live this life following Him and transforming.  I want to be passionate and on fire with Love for others.  I want to see God's miracles worked out in front of me, and through me, as I walk out my faith in obedience.  I want the Lord to look at my life and see a willing heart, a person who carries her cross daily, a person who does not forfeit her soul.  And on the day I cross over from earth to heaven, I want to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Will you join me?  He's calling us.  Be transformed.

The Power Struggle

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is Yours.

As a little girl, I was no "sweet thing."  It's okay, I can admit it.  My parents and family will probably giggle and nod affirmatively that I say this.  I was a feisty thing, with thoughts and ideas bigger than I was, and bigger than my young experiences could lend me.

I remember that I didn't want anyone to correct me because I felt like they were being condescending.  Even if they were just saying, "Cherie, honey, your shoe is untied."  My cheeks would burn fiercely with embarrassment, and I would wish I could crawl in a hole never to be seen again! *deep breath* . . . I didn't want people to see me as incapable, incompetent, or any in-, im-, il-, ir-, un- !!!  What I didn't want at all was to be seen as helpless or powerless.  I didn't want to be seen as less.

So I was constantly putting myself in a position to feel like more - more of a person, more of a source of "doing."  Don't ask for help - that's weak.  Don't let yourself say "no" to anything - that's rude.  Be completely independent, I thought, and you will be successful.  Don't ever believe you can't do everything.  You can and you will.  My mantra every day became Do MORE.  And I did...and most things I did, I did very well.  People recognized it, praised it, and it fed the monster growing inside me, the monster of perfectionism.

Any Type-A person knows all too well what it's like to want to do everything perfectly.  Only this kind of person knows the day-in-day-out pressure of having to succeed 100% all. of. the. time.  One can get entirely wrapped up in to-do lists, organization, seeking approval of your own self and others, and being the type of person that says "yes" to everything.  To everyone else, I can look so put-together, so talented, so intelligent, so... everything-everyone-wants-to-be!  And yet...sometimes, just sometimes, in the deepest part of my heart, I still feel inadequate, still longing to be better, longing to be...perfect.
(Now, can't we see the basis for an eating disorder here?) 

Maybe not for everyone, but for many perfection-strivers, who work hard every minute of every day to be the ultimate "someone," there comes a point where we have to realize we're trying to carry not only our own world, but the world of many others (especially moms!  Moms, I hear you!  Moms, you're heros every day!  But not all-powerful, I'm sorry...).  And at this point, we might panic, or we might tighten up our bootstraps and keep going.  Time after time, however, we can't ignore that feeling creeping upon us -- the one that says, "It's not enough.  You need more time in your day.  Skip another hour of sleep.  You can't sit down and eat dinner; you have things to do!"  This voice is the voice of anxiety, the whisper of the power-seeker, the twisted ways of Lucifer himself.

Women, WE ARE DOING WONDERFULLY.  We women are often doing more things than seems humanly possible, and constantly questioning if it's enough.  Have we done enough???????  Have we loved our family enough?  Have we gotten good enough grades?  Have we excelled at our jobs?  Are we doing the right thing?  Do our husbands or boyfriends find us attractive?  Could we fit in one more workout?  Is the laundry done?  Is the kitchen clean?  Is the floor swept?  Do we look pretty?  Are our clothes modern?  I know I forgot to do something today -- WHAT DID I FORGET TO DO????

Isn't that exhausting?  Doesn't that seem unfair, to worry about so many (sometimes petty) things?

Women, we are doing enough.  Especially because we are NOT all-powerful, all our striving is enough (and sometimes it's too much!).  Let me repeat something important: WE. ARE. NOT. ALL-POWERFUL.  I know that the secular world would think it's harsh and horrible of me to say that we aren't all-powerful.  And to be certain I cover the feminist base: neither are men.  For sure men aren't.  God created Eve because Adam needed a helper...and Lord, don't we know it!  

Here's the cool news.  God IS all-powerful.  And He is FOR US.  He is on our side; He helps the helper.  When our plate is too full, when we're spinning all of those full plates, and when that cunning voice whispers to us to skip an hour of sleep, we can approach the Throne of the Lord Most High and say, "Please.  Abba, I need help."

1 Corinthians 6:14
And God raised the Lord and will raise us up by His power.

I've been struggling to cure my writer's block for this post.  I knew what my life could tell, but I didn't necessarily know how to write it.  But guess what I had to walk through this past week?  A week of utter weakness (pun intended).  Anxiety pounded at me in a very literal sense.  I felt like I had a large bird trapped inside of my chest, wings fluttering or flapping wildly, depending on the moment.  I felt out of control - my schedule was filled from early, early in the morning until I could finally collapse at 9:30pm or later.  I had an inexplicable sadness, a haunting depression, and found every joyful thing to be mundane or flat-out annoying.  All I knew was that I had to go through the motions.  I had to finish all of my "to-dos."

I know many people suffer like this all the time, and sometimes it gets to the point of debilitation.  I am SO BLESSED to have a Christian husband who approached me with prayers and reminders of God's sovereignty.  I was immediately relieved of the stress I had been walking in, the darkness lifted from me.  Now I realize I may have needed to go through that to re-surrender my to-do list to God.  I don't want to do anything that isn't God's priority.
**If you don't have this sort of support somewhere in your life, find it.  Though God's power is displayed all around us (Romans 1:20), sometimes we need God's people to help us remember  the Lord's sweet truth.

I am not going to over-complicate this anymore.  I don't need to.  God has the power.  Women, we do much, and we help our husbands, our children, our friends, and other loved ones.  We have a lot to do in one day... but let us do NONE of it outside of God's power.  He is the Almighty One.  When He guides our paths, we are relieved from guilt and condemnation.  We don't have to hold all of the power, but we do have to know the One who holds it.  We will love better, we will do better, we will be better, because the God of heaven and earth somehow still cares about our to-do list, and He will help us sort it out of we surrender it to Him with pure hearts.

My prayer:

Dear heavenly Father,
Take my to-do list and make it Yours.  I know that You are the one I need to call upon when my days seem busy, when weeks are long, when nights are sleepless.  Help me remember Who You are, and who I am in you.  I thank You that I am where I am today.  I thank You that when I look back, I can see that You always carried me, even when I thought my world would end.  You are beautiful and powerful, and I worship all of Your ways.  I love you.
Amen.

Anniversary

She carefully tiptoes out of her sleepy bedroom at the midnight hour, with footsteps like whispers and a spirit so giddy.  She opens the sliding glass door, looks into the woods, and gleefully hurls herself into the stars.  Way up there, she checks the beating hearts of all whom she loves and gives up a prayer for each of their souls.  One by one, she watches the prayers go up and serve as sweet incense unto the Lord.  She feels the Holy Spirit stir in her and lead her in a dance among the starry sky.  She looks down upon the earth with hopeful watch.  She feels the suffering of so many, and sends up more and more prayers and watches them fill the sky...the whole universe is filled with her prayers and the prayers of so many others.  She watches as the prayers reach Him, and she smiles and begins to dance again, a slow dance with many graceful steps.  The stars don't mind her being here; they wonder why more don't join her.  She sings to the stars many tales of human life.  She sings about God, about family, about hurting, about hope, about love.  And at this moment she looks back down at the earth, so small and so important.  She sings one more song about strength.  She weaves together words in many languages about the strength of love, which is the joy of all existence.  She excuses herself politely from the presence of the stars, says something about together, and a whimsical look comes over her face.  Her eyes dazzle and she waltzes back down into the woods, down the hill, into her bed next to her beloved.  She holds his hand and smiles a "thank you" while he sleeps.  Her husband is the steady strength of all her days, the reason for so many smiles and dances among the stars.  Of all the joys of the universe, her choice of joy is love, a gift to her from God himself.  Each night she goes amongst the stars to pray and delight in the Lord's creation for a few beautiful moments, but she knows that God gave her marriage; He gave her togetherness.  And God dwells in each moment of it, growing her soul and blessing her richly.

Today, January 19, 2014, is my one-year anniversary with my darling husband Ben.  I get choked up even thinking that today marks a year already!  A year with the certainty of each other, a year of the trials of blending our family (I have one son, he has THREE sons)...a year of learning that our love and obedience toward God MUST, must ALWAYS, be at the center of our marriage.  And we are delighted to put Him first.  We are honored to serve Jesus in the way that we love one another unconditionally.

I don't often talk about Ben in my blog posts, and I SHOULD.  He is the person I spend the most time with, whom I wake up next to every morning (thank you, God!), and the person in whom I confide my deepest heart-ponderings.  He is the most wonderful husband in every way, from the way he holds my hand with gentle strength to the way he respectfully listens to me even when we're in disagreement.  Ben has sacrificial love and devoted servitude to our family and asks for nothing in return.  He gives loving and encouraging words freely, yet those words feel like the most precious and honorable gift, all wrapped up with carefully-crafted bows.  He is a very real dream; what I've always wanted was to feel precious, and Ben makes me feel valuable, rare and beloved.  When I deserve it least, he showers me with grace and adoration.  He loves God and seeks His wisdom, and in turn, I am a very blessed wife.

People often talk about the "honeymoon period," and undoubtedly we fall under the category.  With four boys, however, our honeymoon period looks drastically different than the 20-somethings who spend their first years with only each other.  I wouldn't trade my honeymoon for anything, though.  I have had the honor of getting to know and love Ben's boys, Braydon, Drew, and Kolby, in deeper ways than ever before.  They and my son have given me many more smiles than I could have ever hoped for.  I have gotten to know Ben as both husband and father over the last year, and there is nothing more attractive than how he approaches both of those roles with a confident, Godly love.

Ben gives the boys his time and resources, as well as loving discipline when they need it.  He tells them he loves them, and will take any opportunity he can to embrace them.  He helps me to understand my own son, the growing pains (literally and not) of boys, and how to handle each struggle with compassionate love.  Ben cares deeply about his relationship with each of our boys, and works to maintain a loving companionship with each of them.  Amidst the crazy noise, the busy schedules, and the constant ball games in our living room, Ben is my steady hand, strong and reassuring.  Every day I hope they notice the kind of man their dad is, and I pray they emulate who he is as a father and as a husband.  He is a role model through and through.

Ben is my one true love, and I get to live in that reality every day.  Glory to God!   :)

I am not only saying this to brag, though it is my JOY to brag about my husband.  I am saying this for  those of you who are still searching or still dating or still wondering if this could ever happen to you ... this will happen for you if you remain steadfast, true to who you are, and open to God's guidance.  As a single mom, I thought this would never be me.  But I just kept working on my relationship with God, getting rid of habits or sin that kept me from Him, and Ben came into my life.  Even though I hesitated and had to work things out in my own life first, Ben waited with understanding.  When we finally went on our first date, I knew.

There were many times I thought I would have to settle for someone who loved me most of the time, or even some of the time.  I thought I would have to compromise something or many things so that I could be a part of someone's life.  I saw myself as a wife who only smiled on the outside, but had many struggles on the inside because of all she had sacrificed, not in duty or in love, but because it was "the only way."  I was like many of you.  So, on my anniversary, I want to be an encouragement.  Wait for true love, and not just the feelings of love, but the devotion of love.  Wait for the man who will say to you, "You are precious in my life; I am willing to give up any earthly thing for you.  I will wait for you.  I will adore you.  I will be devoted to you."  And he has to mean it.  You know when a person is fooling with you, and when they are not quite believable, though you want them to be.  Don't settle.  Don't compromise your beliefs, your values, anything.  Through this test, you will know: Does he love me for who I am right now, with my values and beliefs and morals?  Does he devote himself to me, and show understanding of my worth in God's eyes?  Does he honor me?  I could honestly answer "yes" to every one of those questions when Ben asked me to marry him.  I can still answer yes, and I know I always will be able to.  He seeks God's leadership with more desire each day, so I am confident that Ben will always be the man of my dreams, the one whom I am breathtakingly honored to call my husband.  Dear readers, you deserve nothing less.  Again, do not settle.  You are a precious gem to God Himself, and you shouldn't be regarded as anything less than that.

I now want to thank some family.  My heart overflows with gratitude on this day and every day for those who raised Ben and me, for those who shaped our hearts for this marriage.

To Ben's mom and dad: I want to say thank you and I love you.  Thank you for raising such a loving son, a man who knows how to treat me with devotion and kindness.  Thank you for your love, too.  I felt like I was your daughter the moment I met you, and Julien felt like a true grandson, too. Ben has learned from you the kind of hard work it takes to provide for a family, the kind of love it takes to bring up children in the way they should go, and to selflessly devote himself to those he loves.  He had a great model in both of you, and because of that, I am blessed.  I am all choked up as I write these words  because they are not enough to express the gratitude I have for both of you.  Thank you from now through eternity.  Your efforts as parents have resulted in unending joy for those who know your son, especially me.  :)

To Ben's sister: Thank you for being the kind soul that you are.  As an older sister, I know the impact of our siblings on our lives.  Without my brothers and sister, I would not be who I am, and they would be different, too.  A sibling bond is like nothing else on Earth, and Ben speaks fondly of who you have always been.  The impact you have on his life is everlasting, and Ben is who he is because he had you for a sister.  So again, because of you, my life is filled with love and joy like I could have never imagined.  The direct and indirect impact of who you are as a sister is joyously felt every day.  I love you and your family fervently; you give me many reasons for thankful prayers.

To my family: I can't say enough.  I just can't.  I won't write it all here - I'll have to call you!  ;)  Your love in my life, through my crazy childhood and teen years, through eating disorders, through single motherhood, through it all...that love makes all things possible in my life.  You are the reason I'm still alive, the reason I can be a wife and a mother, the reason I can accept the kind of love Ben gives me.  I learned love from you.  I live this love out in my life because of you.  I thank God for you.  You are Love.

To Ben: Every time Earth brightens with a new dawn, I think of the blessing of another day with you.  You are everything I described on this page and more.  You are God's son in every way, especially in your unconditional love towards me and our family.  I have learned the song of your laugh and the gentle opening of your eyes in the morning.  I feel honor every time you take a breath because you chose me for a wife -- that kind of gratitude can't be explained into words; it's the melody of my spirit each morning and night.  Thank you for allowing me to be who I am, telling me I'm beautiful, praying with me, praying for me, leading our family, and guiding us all with your gentle, yet powerful love.  Today and always, I am filled with honor and joy to be called your wife.  I love you!

Self-Image and Relationships

What does hatred of myself have anything to do with anyone else?  Experience has taught me this: it has everything to do with everyone else.  If you hate yourself, you will never expect anyone else to love you.  You won't accept it.  You won't believe it.  And you'll offend them without meaning to, and you could lose those who love you most.  Why?  Because hating yourself damages your ability to accept love.  You will distort it.  You will curse it.  You will bashfully tiptoe backwards, with rosy cheeks of embarrassment.  Those who love you will feel like they've lost the fight to love you, and they may even perhaps feel that you don't want their love and affection.  And so you're continuously cycling back to the very thing you don't want to be: alone.

Eating disorders aren't all about food; in fact, they're more about guilt, shame, and the constant pressure to remain in control.  Imagine a person who feels guilty for eating (a needed, natural function!) in a friendship, in a family, or in a romantic relationship.  I mean, WOW!  Can you even function that way?  A boyfriend wants to take the woman he adores out to dinner, and she declines, with some false excuse...what is he to think?  "She's not into me."  But this woman feels she can't tell him the truth: "If I eat that food, I will spend the rest of the evening clothed in garments of shame. I will hate myself.  And if I go, with the intentions of pretending to eat, you might notice and think that I'm weird, and I will lose you because of the guilt I hold against myself."  

How about friends?  Friends often love celebrating togetherness by going out for lattes or dinner, having a beer or cocktail, relaxing with popcorn and a movie, baking Christmas cookies.....!  I cannot even possibly tell you how many times I declined invitations to do things because my friends mentioned food as part of the plan.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with people!  "Why can't we ever hang out without putting calories in our bodies?!?!"  I settled for loneliness instead of sharing in the lives of my friends because it would interfere with my workout, it would make me feel anxious, it wouldn't be conducive to my self-destructive lifestyle.  I couldn't be a friend because my eating disorder made my life revolve around me -- the "me" that eating disorders created.  Though I don't live with regrets, I often look back at the life-breathing doves God gave me for friends - peacemakers and fun-lovers and soul-seekers - and I feel a sadness for not knowing them better. 

You see, if I didn't love and accept myself, my relationships became tainted.  Wanting to hide a part of myself made me want to hide the WHOLE self!  "No one should see this." 

I asked readers to write messages to me about how their personal self-image affects their relationships.  All respondents were women, and there was this common theme in ALL responses.  The theme can be paraphrased like this: If I feel lovely, if I feel beautiful, then I am equipped to be with others, to serve those around me, and to have lasting and meaningful relationships.  

If you haven't read the book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge, DO!  I read it in my early twenties and it changed my perspective on who I am because of how God made me.  I want to quote her a few times here (all quotes are from the book Captivating), and then explain further how the messages I received relate to these quotes.  It's astounding to put all of this together.  Really, really.

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.” 

“A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important.” 

“That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.” 

“Beauty is transcendent. It is our most immediate experience of the eternal. Think of what it's like to behold a gorgeous sunset or the ocean at dawn. Remember the ending of a great story. We yearn to linger, to experience it all our days. Sometimes the beauty is so deep it pierces us with longing. For what? For life as it was meant to be. Beauty reminds us of an Eden we have never known, but somehow our hearts were created for.” 

“What if you have a genuine and captivating beauty that is marred only by your striving?”

Girls, did you ever twirl in a dress when you were little, letting the skirt circle out around you, all fluff and lace?  I remember doing this anytime my parents made me dress up for special occasions.  I would be vastly disappointed if I had to wear a dress that didn't twirl satisfactorily.  I had my favorite red dress, fringed with white eyelet details upon each layer.  It bounced when I walked and twirled magnificently when I happened to dizzy myself silly just to see it take air around my body.  I felt like maybe I was clinging to the edge of beauty when I was adorned with a dress and "pretties" in my iron-curled hair.  I imagined people saying, "Cherie, you look so pretty in that dress!" or perhaps silently smiling in awe.  It wasn't that I was a conceited kid at all... I just wanted to be lovely.

Stasi Eldredge so eloquently pointed out that we desire beauty that can be seen and felt and that affects others.  We do.

One young woman wrote to me that she is starting a new relationship, and struggles with low self-esteem.  She finds herself re-applying her make-up, redoing her hair, and also texting him before a date to let him know she doesn't look her best.  Though he has told her he treasures her for her kindness, genuineness, and humor...AND he reassures her of her beauty...she still wants to feel worthy of him.  Without bias, I can tell you that this young woman is one of the most physically gorgeous people I've ever known, and her spirit shines even brighter than her outward beauty!  However, she doesn't always see what those around her see.  She is still trying to answer the question, "Am I lovely?  Am I beautiful?"  Entering this new relationship has left her heart wanting to make sure she can possess a beauty worth fighting for.  Sweet woman, the moment you were born, you possessed all of that and more!  

How many women can relate to this young woman?  According to my other responses, many!  One woman wrote this.  And others agreed with her. :

 "I think every woman needs to feel good about herself if she is going to be effective in serving others. I know if I get up and someone shows up at my door before my makeup is on........I am not going to answer the door before at least putting eye liner on! People seem to respond to people who are clean, well groomed, and well dressed differently than they respond to a person who has holes in their clothes, unshaven, hair not groomed, etc. It seems to be human nature. I also think it is human nature for healthy people to want to look their best for themselves and others."

Someone else responded with this:

"Feeling good about yourself is key in most every aspect of a person's life....whether its dealing with others or simply making decisions in your own life."

And the theme continued.  We women not only need to believe we look beautiful, but we need to feel worthwhile.  We want to be a part of something grand, but we won't attempt it unless we feel good about ourselves!  How can this be attained in a society that is constantly telling us that we need to buy the next new product to be appealing?  How do we believe that we are women with purpose that FAR surpasses our outward image?  And how can we function in relationships if our feelings about ourselves are so...fragile?

I think it only makes sense to turn to the Author of creation to ask the question of our worth and our beauty.  He is the One who invented beauty; He is the One who spoke it all into Being!  Why in all of God's-created-universe would we look to any other definer than God?  But I know it's difficult...the images, the words spoken by others, the thoughts-against-self are all so distracting!

I'm more sensitive than most people I know.  One experience can be etched in my memory like it's a real-again, living moment.  I remember being made fun of in third grade for my "little, weird ears" and my "big lips."  In fifth grade, someone made fun of the shoes I was wearing during kickball.  One boy called me "short" all the time.  I no longer dwell on these things, and I KNOW it was just kids being kids, but those comments and observations by others didn't just brush off my shoulder like they do for so many other people.  I filed those things away as true, and they took away from God's answer to the question, Am I lovely?  My sensitivity may have blemished my childhood, to be honest, because I took every word to heart.   Maybe I was seeking extra hard for acceptance because I was born with immeasurable self-doubt.  Whatever the case, I am so glad that I've found not only Scripture to tell me who I am in God's eyes, but I have personally experienced God's undying affection for me.  I pray that each of you would experience this in a very real way; you will never be the same.

I want to address Stasi's quote that says, "What if you have a genuine and captivating beauty that is marred only by your striving?"
Many of the women who wrote to me expressed a striving -- a need to earn beauty, instead of it being inherent.  It's usually SUPER TRUE that the world judges by outward appearances.  But thankfully, we know that the Lord judges by the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).  He sees our inherent beauty, the beauty He painted in our DNA, the loveliness that courses through our veins; all if it every bit as powerful as the wonders of nature.  He gave us graciousness and love as gentle as the first quiet snowfall.  He gave us the wisdom of the ages so that we could mother our precious children.  He gave us the fierce devotion of a warrior; the knowledge of the scholars to construct awe-inspiring words that make people feel our love; the hearts of rivers, steady and true and strong; the swift feet of a seasoned hunter, that we may do many things at once; and a many-colored soul that can touch and reach the spirits of others, each in a unique and deep way.  This captivating beauty is already yours ... God gave it to you when you were being formed in your mother's womb.  He wrote it before you were born, and no matter how you try to un-say it, it doesn't change the truth.  You are God's creation, and therefore, you are beautiful and lovely and worthwhile and enchanting - before the mascara, before the clothes, before the "perfect body," before a man tells you so, and even before you believe it for yourself.  All the trying in the world can't make it more true...but is it possible the striving could make it less true?  Perhaps by striving for beauty, we aren't giving God and others our most treasured beauty.

Please note that I am not saying we can't put on our make-up, dress nicely, do our hair, or other things.  I like doing these things as much as the next girl!  However, I am saying that these are NOT the things on which we should base our beauty.  
1 Peter 3:3-4 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

When I don't see that God already made me beautiful, and I set my eyes on outward appearances to attain beauty, I am less confident in how I relate to others.  It doesn't matter if I'm at the grocery store, or having lunch with my husband; if I doubt my worth or loveliness, my countenance is different, and I sacrifice a positive interaction.  When I used to feel the relentless "need" to be skinny, I couldn't form healthy relationships.  My constant hiding in shame was my priority, and all relationships were clouded by my unhealthy image of myself.

The true issues of this are so much wider and deeper than I could ever explain in paragraphs or pages.  I know the hell some of you are experiencing when you try with all your might to believe some of the things I've just said.  I know full well the attacks of heart, mind, and spirit that just seem to never go away.  I know how your eyes flood with tears at the smallest things, the littlest attack on self.  I also know that you realize the effect this has on your relationships with people.  Sometimes it might seem impossible to ever feel "normal."

I pray that each of you would remember the grand dream you wanted to be a part of, the vision that God put on your heart.  I pray that you wouldn't give up or believe that you aren't capable of being a warrior.  Be a warrior in your relationships; fight off any temptation to believe you aren't good enough, aren't worthy enough, aren't lovely enough to be treasured by all the people in your life.  Believe that you are here with a divine purpose, that God made you beautiful already, and that He has a plan to use that beauty to make the world better.  

Hang out with your friends, and believe the good things they say about you.  Talk to your family, and accept their love.  Be held by your beloved, and don't worry that you have some imperfection he might notice.  You have nothing to worry about because you are part of God's grand plan for the universe.  Are you lovely?  Yes.  Are you worthwhile?  Yes.  Are you dazzling?  Yes!  Yes to everything wonderful about you, sweet woman.  You have captivated the Lord already -- He looks at you and says, She is beauty, as I made her.  I love her and will never stop loving her.