Hannah

True Beauty

Hannah: grace; favor (Hebrew).

The first time I met her, I was running late to meet with my friends.  As a single, working mama in college, I felt like I was always running late, and thus a burden to those kept waiting.  This night was all of that frenzy and worry, and then some.
I had been given an address by my good friend Nathan - Hannah's address.  I hadn't yet met this new lady in my friend's life, but I had heard enough to believe that she is perhaps heaven incarnate.  I nervously parked by this huge house (Hannah had an apartment within), and walked as briskly as possible toward my friends who were meeting me out front.
Always frantic, I was running toward them at this point, and a pin flew off my purse.  My cheeks burned with embarrassment - oh great, Cherie, you're such a mess.
"Wait!  This could be important, a first impression!" Hannah said with a smile, and she picked up my pin, a feminist pin that had an old-fashioned lady on the front and read Don't assume I cook!

"Oh, I like you already!" and she hugged me.

Hannah has love that unfolds itself from the bends of her arms.  When she embraces you, it feels like you're the only person she will ever hug.  And you wouldn't mind if that were true because when you're wrapped in that love, heaven kisses earth all around you.

Hannah is one reason I know that Jesus is real.

I have struggled with self-loathing, self-doubt, and performance-based acceptance my entire life.  During my college years, I rode many tidal waves, teetering too close to the edge most of the time.  I always cried out to my heavenly Father for some reprieve, some help, some way to believe in His grace.  It was a concept I knew in my head, but often could not accept in my soul.  I knew He forgave me and I knew He called me beautiful, but head knowledge does little for someone who relies so much on her fragile, heavy-beating heart.

So He sent Hannah.

Hannah's long, dark curls, cute dimples, laughing eyes, perfect and strong body, and natural ease of life would usually bring me to a place of envy.  But she invites you in.  She takes your hand and leads you in her dance of life, and all you know is that everything is more vibrant when Hannah is in your world.  That's why everyone loves Hannah: there is not even a trace of conceit, just an invitation to dance with her.  And what I've needed for most of most of my years is to realize that life is a dance, and not a competition.

On summer days, Hannah would invite us to swim with her.  She loves my son Julien like she loves everyone else - with every piece of her.  So she always made sure he would have all he needed when we visited.  Because of this, I could relax, too.  A rare occasion tucked in the middle of many busy days.
Many times, just sitting beside the water with Julien splashing in the background, we would talk about the secret things of life.  We would walk a few steps to the herb garden, and squeeze leaves of lemon basil between our fingers, wondering aloud of there is any better scent in the world than this!  And she would look at me and say something that bent the bars of my prison.
"Look at you!  You're so beautiful."
Could she be talking to me???  What does this perfect friend see in the mess of who I am?
I knew she wasn't just talking about physical beauty - neither of us is that vain or shallow.  She was talking about the beauty within me.  I couldn't even believe in that, but she did.  And when Hannah believes, you want to believe, too.  Don't miss out on her dance.

One winter, Julien and I spent a few nights at Hannah's.  I would read and savor the little sticky notes she posted everywhere, to know the names of objects in her ancestors' Ojibwe language. Around every corner of her apartment, one could find a reason to smile.
Sitting at her small kitchen table, we sipped coffee and I looked at her with awe because her spirit shined so brightly.  And she would say something about how I had such a good heart, or that I was such a hard worker, that she was so impressed with my life.  I would blush and look away and utter some sort of denial.  But I believed she meant it, and I would learn that God saw me this way, too - a treasure, not trash.
One day, she turned on the fireplace, made drinks and snacks for the three of us, and we cuddled up and watched old musicals.  The cold wind and snow outside had no bearing on us, for the life within that day warmed the whole town and painted it all the colors of summer.

Hannah and Nathan were always gracious about keeping their lonely friend from being lonely.  On weekends that Julien was with his dad, they would leave me a message about their plans to see if I would like to join them.  What great love!
On a winter hike one day, we approached a large, flat hilltop that was covered in snow, with red and white birches as a border.  The sun was shining just perfectly, sprinkling glitter across the entire surface of the field.  Unable to contain ourselves, we hopped and ran through the dazzling snow.  20 degrees was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Running in the snowy field

A song in my head: "I'll follow you 'round this playground, and burn your troubles in the sun..."  Hannah and Nathan's adoration for one another is something of magic, undoubtedly heaven-sent.  As they carefully and methodically plodded footprints in the snow, I watched them build a life together before my eyes.  Though the snow-traced floor plans for their house was merely play, I knew their forever plan would include each other, no matter where it was.  With my life full of uncertainty, this certainty filled my heart with a warm joy.  I smiled for them that whole day.  Because love rejoices.

"I would like a kitchen with a window over the sink that faces that way, so I can always have sunlight coming in," Hannah pointed and smiled.  I saw Nathan smile back, and I knew he would give her anything.  Because. Love. Rejoices.

Hannah's name means "grace" and "favor."  Her mama and daddy gave her a very prophetic name because that is exactly who Hannah is.  She gives grace and favor to others, and others see how she is favored and full of grace.  She is a vessel that carries the Spirit, spilling over onto thirsty people.

It's easy to feel like a friendship with Hannah is all the benefit to you, and nothing for her.  Not because she says so, but because you receive so much from being near her, and you wonder what she could possibly receive from you.  I feel so helpless about this that all I can do is pray.  I pray for her, her sweet family, Nathan...I pray that God would rain blessings on her and give her the fullness of His love, and that her joy would be never-ending.  A girl like her deserves everything because joy multiplies when she is near, because she lives life in full gusto and gives love from the abundant and eternal sources of God.

No matter the days between my now-infrequent visits with Hannah, I feel her heartbeat in synch with mine.  She taught me life when I had given up on it.  She is God's messenger.  She is my sister.  She is my forever friend.

I love you, Hannah Rose Bigjohn.  :)

How many ways can you love a person? Infinitely.

P.S.
This is the short version.  When I write a book, you all will really get to know Hannah.  <3  You will notice that many times I use the words "heart" and "love" and "joy."  I was going to go back and edit, to vary my word choice.  However, these things are the theme of my friendship with Hannah.  And I wouldn't change a thing about that.

Prayer Request: "Lower Still"

Photo from : videohive.net

I want to be a real writer.

I want creaky wood floors.

I want forests and fields wrapped around me like a many-patterned quilt.

I want to sip mornings slowly, consuming every hue of the sunrise like it will nourish my body forever.

I want to run on back roads, breathing all the clouds, swallowing all the sunshine.

I want to braid a little girl's hair and sweetly savor each weaving of strands, just as the blossoms are quenched by rain.

And it's funny that, through the battle I've fought with eating disorders, all I want to do is TASTE life.  I guess I'm sick of denying myself that, too.

I accept my lot and I often love it (especially anything with my husband and sons!). I try to do well at EVERYTHING I do, like the wise King Solomon advises in Ecclesiastes.

I don't want to be dissatisfied with anything God gave me.  But I find myself wanting to most effectively use the gifts He thoughtfully and creatively poured into me while I was being knit together in my mother's womb.

​However, in the Spirit-filled words of my Sister, Heidi Baker, I must go lower still, so that I may have truly surrendered to Christ all that I am.

Will you pray for me, that I may go lower still, that I may surrender all of my "wants" so that what comes out of my life are only what God wants?​  I pray this for you, as well, Friends.  Because God is good, and He knows what's best.

Authentic Living

We all want to live authentic lives.  We want to believe that the blood coursing through our veins is more than just blood.  Our stories are more than stories.  Our laughter is more than noise.  It is our soul cry to do more than just live and die.

Shared photos (upon photos and more photos) tell stories every day of people living.  We try to share the emotions of our moments with each other through photographs and words, status updates and tweets...because we want others to believe we're authentic, too.

In the tenacity of our living, we forget that it's not the pre-planned vacations or the moonlit hikes that make us authentic.  It's our love.

"If I speak in tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."
~1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I have these friends that wake up in the newborn hours of the day.  We meet up so we can hear the rhythm of each other's feet against the lake path as we run.  We can feel each other's hearts pour out as we share our lives.   My friends bring much brightness to the now-getting-darker mornings. Each of these women possesses the talents and abilities to do anything they want.  But the most outstanding possession each has is a heart bursting with love and empathy.  These women are walking (er, running) proof of the power of love.

When I was new to this town, they embraced me.  I was welcomed into their laughter, to add my tone to the various pitches of their morning chatter.  Like a sister who had been here all their days, I fell headlong into their welcoming gestures.  I would not be the woman I am today without this.

You see, their great love brings more light than their talents alone.  Because they love deeply, my life is changed, and I know others' lives are, too.

Photo from: photography.2eyepickle.com

Regardless of talents, jobs, or spiritual gifts, it's the love that brings it all to life.  Otherwise, we're just noise.

I used to believe that once I had everything perfect, that maybe then my life and love would be worth something.  But the beauty of love is that it's something you can give in any phase of life.  When I focused on the world and my culture, I felt worthless.  When I began to look to Jesus, I saw him writing a love story in my life.  There isn't one thing that I've done successfully that didn't have love.  I have done some things well, but none of them mattered if my heart wasn't involved.

I do not want to be a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  I don't want to leave this world having gained nothing.  I want my Father in heaven to be proud, and to have access to my whole life with His love.

Think: what would motherhood be without love?  Nothing.  What would teaching be without compassion?  Miserable.  What would marriage be without the sacrifice (which comes from love, and nothing else)?  Empty.  What would friendship be without caring about one another?  Meaningless.

Who would you be without ever experiencing some kind of love?

Please be encouraged, sweet Reader, that it doesn't matter what you do...it's how you love.  You can show love in anything, even if it's folding laundry or grading papers or writing lesson plans (ha, maybe that's just me!).

They will know you by your love.  They will remember you for it.  It's how you can change the world.  One little word: LOVE.  That is how you know if your life is authentic.

What are you waiting for?  Get out there, and show them the best love you have.  You are the difference the world has been longing for.



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*Author's Note: I would not be able to finish this post without giving credit to my dear husband, who is love manifest in my life.  Ben, you are a picture of love...and not just romantic love, but the kind of love that makes this post even possible for me to write.  You are the sweetest person, and everyone who has ever talked to me about you adores you.  This is because of your love, the sincere and deep compassion with which you walk out your life.  I pray a blessing upon you right now, and each and every day, that Christ's light and His undying love would keep shining through you and into the lives of those around you.  They will continue to know you by your love.  Thank you for being an inspiration to me, the woman who is privileged enough to be your wife.

Baby Carrots

My mom hated baby carrots.

I would stay after school, running the hallways until my head felt numb and the walls looked fuzzy.  I would hold conversations with people, focusing on lips or eyes as they spoke, wishing they would keep their voices down because everything was just. so. loud.  I would do sit-ups and more and more, imagining the folds on my stomach disappearing, not realizing they already had.

vinnylanni.wordpress.com

I would ride the late bus home in the winter dark.  After dodging kitties and dogs in the driveway, I would walk into the house and get swallowed by the smells of dinner cooking in our country home.  I would walk blankly through so I could ignore my body's desire for the richness of feeling full.  When I felt an overwhelming weakness in mind and body, the sensation of fainting quickly upon me, I would grab a handful of baby carrots from the fridge and call it dinner.

"Cherie, you have to eat more than that."

My mom's helpless pleading.

"This is enough, Mom.  I'm good."

And I hated all the smells that reminded me of food in my belly, the nostalgia of growing up.  I hated the voices of love surrounding me, begging for my life.

But I was a pawn.  It would take all of my remaining young years to get out of the game.

Eating disorders may not have you, but maybe something else does.  Maybe you, like me, have known the gut feeling that what you are doing and saying is wrong.  You are trying to convince yourself, and you are pretty good at it.  Your gentle lies blossom into a flower - cunningly poisonous, dangerously deceiving.

We hold on to these things because we have pride.  We hold on to these things because Satan is the accuser, the king of lies...and yet he is a handsome prince.  We are attracted to sin, especially when we are not carefully shielding ourselves against it and wielding the power of the sword, which is the Word of God.

All the world told me that thin is beautiful, and success is measured only by how quickly and effectively we reach our goals.  A perfectionist from birth, I lusted after success.  I was seduced by worldly standards.  Were it not for my Savior and Lord, I would have become pregnant with death, birthing it into the world to further steal lives.

But the Lord is steadfast, and He is good.  He fed and nurtured me.  He nourished me back to health.  I am back to life!  He is risen so that I am victorious over all darkness.  He is risen that I may be His daughter forever.

abundantlifeuae.com

Sister in Christ, give over the fleshly sins of pride and lust.  Give yourself over to God that He may make you new.  He makes beautiful things out of the dust.  He makes all things new.  He will rejoice over you with singing...because you are His.  He wants to give you life.  He offers it to us every day.  Take His hand, just like I have to do every time the "beautiful" liar tells me I should go back to eating only baby carrots.

"The thief comes only to kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Please watch this four minute video.  It is wonderful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGlx11BxF24

Messy, Beautiful Love - Marriage Thoughts and Book Review

I don't blame the current generation for not wanting to get married.  Our culture has made it a most frightening venture -- with an over 50% fail rate, who would want to try?  Who would believe in the validity and sanctity of something that fails more times than succeeds, especially when there is so much at stake?  Especially when Christians are pushing for it so much, and then failing just as often as the secular population ... We are fallen, and we speak to others in only the way that ancient ruins do: marriage is something that was once great, but it was defeated by an enemy, or time, or both.

I don't blame this generation, but I do lament for them.  While seeking other grand adventures, they are rejecting the deepest, most exhilarating, most-worthy-to-write-about adventure that ever was and ever will be: marriage. 

This morning my husband e-mailed me this:

I woke up this morning with such great love for you.  I am so overjoyed that you are my wife.  I really do cherish you and want to be the husband that God desires for you.  You are HIS daughter and I am getting a sense right now of HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU!!!

There is no mountain-top view, no surfing lesson, no sound of the Great Lakes that can compare with the ecstatic bliss I experience from an e-mail like that.  And don't get me wrong: I LOVE traveling the world, seeing sights, and listening to God's almighty power displayed in creation.  But the adventures of my heart are unquenched without this precious kind of love. 

Tomorrow, a book comes out that I had the pleasure to read beforehand in order to promote.  It is called Messy, Beautiful Love by Darlene Schacht.  This wonderful, vulnerable gift of a woman writes about her many adventures of marriage -- the good, the unexpected, the challenges, and the soul-searching. 

With this book, Darlene gives wives a weapon against the enemy who tries to destroy marriages.  She shares her life, and challenges wives to be wise and virtuous, to be an honorable spouse, and to pray every day.  She speaks truth and love into our woman hearts, and gives us practical tips for loving our husbands even on the most difficult of days.

I have seen too many people who are miserable in their marriages, and are unwilling to change their hearts or minds toward their spouse.  This is not what Jesus commanded of us.  He served us; He, the King of all days, served us -- even though we sinned, He died for us that we might respond to His mercy and love.  Marriage is a picture of that kind of love, displayed for all the world to see.  In her book, Darlene gives us blessed reminders about our high calling as wives.

An image that I love from that book is that a wife is a crown to her husband.  This is based off of Proverbs 12:4 - "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband."  I want others to see my husband and call him blessed because he has a wife who seeks the Lord, honors her husband, and loves with her whole, uncompromised heart.  In the way that I serve God and my family, I am the crown.  I want to glisten in the light of the Son, letting everyone know that my husband has a virtuous wife...and not for my glory or for my husband's, but for God's glory.

Many married people are in the stage where they are irritated with their spouse, and just ready to give up.  They just want to make it through each day, willing only to put up with each other.  Affection is dwindling or lost, and instead of focusing on each other, they focus on work, their kids, their pets, and/or anything else but their spouse.  These marriages are buds that never open.  Sometimes we give up too soon.

Darlene provides a challenge at the end of each chapter.  I believe that if each and every reader actually does these challenges with an open mind and vulnerable heart, they will see radical changes in their marriages.  The power of God mixed with a willing heart will change any circumstance.

Finally, I will say that it is a blessing from God to gain such wisdom from Darlene's book.  I am in the beginning of my marriage (almost two years!), and I am now equipped more than I ever thought possible.  I will be revisiting this book, especially as challenges arise.

Each day I am excited for this adventure of marriage -- with all of the messy, beautiful love.

Thank you, Darlene.

If you are a Christian wife, you should absolutely read this book.  It is real, it is engaging, it is practical, and it is heart-felt.  Don't wait.  Let God into your marriage right now.  You will be blessed.

Order here:

http://messybeautifullove.com/

**Updated** Enter to win a free copy!
To enter, comment below with one word or phrase that describes your ideal marriage (whether you're already married or not).  Thank you, dear Readers!

I love this image!!  So true!

Steadfast Love

Ok, everyone.  Yesterday was a difficult day with body image and eating disorder temptations.  In fact, it was probably the most difficult day in over five years for me.

I had an incredibly challenging morning with anxiety and self-esteem.  Only one who battles such things knows the effort it takes to swing a sword against it all.  I told my husband the anxiety I felt made me want to die.  And not die because it would "end it all," but die because then my spirit could reach heaven.  I would never be forced to endure another thought about my inadequacies.  I would never have to feel STUCK in my body, wanting to get out of it.  I would be united with my Lord and Savior.

Fast forward to the evening.  My husband and I sat at a restaurant overlooking the sleepy Mississippi River.  We got into a slight argument over something.  The rational Cherie would have thought it's not a big deal, we love each other, it's FINE.  But having stood in battle against attacks at my self-esteem all day, I was weary and broken.  I sat in silence with my husband - he, not understanding (he is blessed with level-headedness) - and I was wishing I could weave together fallen logs and float down the Mississippi until I forgot who I was.

Our food came, and I was flooded with thoughts that I hadn't had in so long that I almost didn't recognize their evil.  "You don't deserve that food, Cherie.  Just don't eat it.  You will feel better if you deny this food.  You know that you don't deserve it.  You don't even earn enough money to eat at a restaurant.  You weren't very nice to Ben today.  You are unworthy of this meal.  Plus, you've gained some weight this summer.  Get a handle on yourself.  Don't.  Eat.  It.!"

My eyes blurred with tears as I looked out at the river.  "Take me away, Lord.  Take me. I'm done here.  I can't do this."  But the food stared at me, and I at it.  And I was given a new resolve: I will NOT give satan victory.  I have one Lord, and it is not satan and it is not eating disorders.  My Lord hung on a cross to free me from my shame.  He took it all so that I could stand blameless against the accuser.  I am not unworthy.  I am covered by grace.

And I ate that meal.



The Lord's steadfast love and intimate involvement with the details of my life came in shape of an e-mail today, a blog written by one of my favorites.  Please read this whole thing.  Even if you don't struggle with eating disorders, read it.

http://www.emilywierenga.com/

May you be richly blessed, knowing that the Creator of the universe sees your struggle and hears your prayers.  He is looking out for you -- look back.  See what He is doing to let you know that He is for you.

Scantily Clad

Photo from: understandingrelationships.com

"Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble."
~1 Corinthians 8:13

"Jesus said to his disciples, 'Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come.  It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.  So watch yourselves.'" ~Luke 17:1-3(a)


I feel his eyes on me as I thoughtfully scan the produce aisle, contemplating which fruits my four boys will most likely eat.  I glance up at him because I can feel that my body has become a feast, my face a pure afterthought to him.  His stare lingers just a daring second longer before he continues on his merry way.  I'm not sure if he has a wife or a girlfriend, and because I can imagine the pain involved for the girl involved in that relationship, I hope to Jesus that he is single, sparing pain for any of my Sisters.

Something of my subconscious becomes strikingly aware, and I chastise myself because a Daughter of God should not have the thought I just had: I was flattered and glad that this unknown man just looked at me with desire, weaving me into his fantasies.  A part of me was proud.  And that, my friends, is an ugly thing.

1 Corinthians 8:13 is a verse that I love because I'm a vegetarian.  Just kidding (sort of).  The verse actually refers to how certain things are a sin for some people, and we must not engage in things that tempt ourselves or our Brothers and Sisters in Christ.  For example, I might be able to have a drink or two and stop there.  I'm not drunk and I'm not sinning.  However, if I ask a family member who struggles with drunkenness or alcoholism to meet me at a bar, I am causing him to stumble.

Jesus says woe to anyone that causes a Brother or Sister to stumble.  In fact, he goes so far as to say it would be better to tie a millstone around their neck and throw them into the sea!  Safe to assume that Jesus is serious about this, yes?

Sisters, I'm about to touch on something that is quite controversial, but it is something that I implore you to consider.  Guys, keep reading, because I want your input, too...

Is the way that I am dressing causing others to stumble?  

Yesterday, I watched a video about women who are victims of street assault.  There were heartbreaking horrors told in first person, and I'm sad that so many women are afraid to even walk down the block.  But one woman admitted that she purposely dresses provocatively, but she does not believe this means a man should be able to whistle at her as she walks by on the street.  I paused at that for a moment because I don't believe that anyone is "asking for it" when assaulted or raped, but I also think this woman just admitted that she was asking for attention.

This issue needs some untangling, and I'm going to try to briefly do my best.

In the age of feminism, we believe we should be able to say, do, and wear whatever we please.  I am not going to disagree with the fact that women should be treated fairly in society.  I'm a woman, and I love my freedom in my time and my culture.  My heart cries for women who are oppressed worldwide, and I pray that things like childhood marriage and "legal" rape (and re-rape) of women would end right now.

That's not what we are going through as American women, though.  Most of us are enjoying vast freedom that the women before us fought so hard to attain.  This includes what's acceptable to wear.  We are no longer forced to hide our ankles, arms, legs, or really anything!  Hallelujah, right?

But just like any freedom, I am realizing there is responsibility attached to it, especially because I serve Christ and I seek to glorify God and not myself.

I am a wife and a mother.  I have one son and three stepsons.  Being around boys so often has taught me this: males are extremely visual.  Whether or not this is "nature vs. nurture" or even if it's our fault (it isn't), I don't care.  That's irrelevant.  Arguing about it won't change the fact that boys and men are stimulated visually.  And whether or not we're okay with that, Christian girls and women have a biblical duty and responsibility to help our Brothers by not tempting them.  

Porn addiction is stealing our husbands, boyfriends, and even our sons away from healthy relationships, especially sexually.  Satan knows that our Brothers are tempted visually, and boy! has he figured out how to get them hooked!  On top of that, we have the current women's fashion of high-waisted, butt cheek showing shorts with a crop top.  So, if a guy is away from his computer, he's still able to feast upon young bodies that don't leave much to the imagination.

My heart aches for my boys.  I often pray that God is hand-picking their future spouses right now, preparing these girls' hearts for a Spirit-filled and healthy marriage.  I pray that my boys save their purity for marriage, and that any sexual experience will be first and only with the woman God has for them.  But I would be lying if I say that I don't worry.

I worry because I was once that girl who dressed to get attention from young men.  I didn't even give a second thought to their purity, whether or not they had a girlfriend or wife, or if I was tempting them to sin.  I have since asked for forgiveness for this, and yet I still struggle to remember to think about what I'm wearing when I walk out the door.

How would I feel if it was my husband looking at another woman with desire?  How would you feel if it was your husband, your boyfriend, or even your son?

We are first spirits, and then we are bodies.  Therefore, we are not objects.  We are created for God, and by tempting others, we are tainting our image.  Though I've often heard that men objectify women, I've never heard it said that women objectify themselves.  Do we take no responsibility?  I, for one, will admit that I have made myself an object so that some man might then be attracted to my spirit.  This was wrong.  We should hope for others to be attracted to my spirit first and foremost, for that is who I am.  Not my clothes, not my body; I am my spirit, given by God.

Sisters, I pray that before we leave the house scantily clad, that we would consider another's stumbling block.  This will not be easy.  I have a bikini that I swim in, I wear shorts that are not "school appropriate," and my favorite running shorts are spandex!  I tell you this because I am struggling to find the line of appropriateness, but I think we are dishonoring God if we do not consider this issue and prayerfully seek God's heart in it.

P.S.
Men, control yourselves.  You are by no means excused from your behavior!  If looking at someone or something causes you to sin, then the Bible says gauge your eyes out!  Ha!  But seriously...look away, and in doing so you will not only honor God, but also the woman whom you love.  Remember: we are not objects.