I would stay after school, running the hallways until my head felt numb and the walls looked fuzzy. I would hold conversations with people, focusing on lips or eyes as they spoke, wishing they would keep their voices down because everything was just. so. loud. I would do sit-ups and more and more, imagining the folds on my stomach disappearing, not realizing they already had.
I would ride the late bus home in the winter dark. After dodging kitties and dogs in the driveway, I would walk into the house and get swallowed by the smells of dinner cooking in our country home. I would walk blankly through so I could ignore my body's desire for the richness of feeling full. When I felt an overwhelming weakness in mind and body, the sensation of fainting quickly upon me, I would grab a handful of baby carrots from the fridge and call it dinner.
"Cherie, you have to eat more than that."
My mom's helpless pleading.
"This is enough, Mom. I'm good."
And I hated all the smells that reminded me of food in my belly, the nostalgia of growing up. I hated the voices of love surrounding me, begging for my life.
But I was a pawn. It would take all of my remaining young years to get out of the game.
Eating disorders may not have you, but maybe something else does. Maybe you, like me, have known the gut feeling that what you are doing and saying is wrong. You are trying to convince yourself, and you are pretty good at it. Your gentle lies blossom into a flower - cunningly poisonous, dangerously deceiving.
We hold on to these things because we have pride. We hold on to these things because Satan is the accuser, the king of lies...and yet he is a handsome prince. We are attracted to sin, especially when we are not carefully shielding ourselves against it and wielding the power of the sword, which is the Word of God.
All the world told me that thin is beautiful, and success is measured only by how quickly and effectively we reach our goals. A perfectionist from birth, I lusted after success. I was seduced by worldly standards. Were it not for my Savior and Lord, I would have become pregnant with death, birthing it into the world to further steal lives.
But the Lord is steadfast, and He is good. He fed and nurtured me. He nourished me back to health. I am back to life! He is risen so that I am victorious over all darkness. He is risen that I may be His daughter forever.
"The thief comes only to kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10
Please watch this four minute video. It is wonderful.